After a hard day working at the office, doing business and business related stuff, you come home to chill. How do you chill? Ha ha, friend! You hit up that sweet dopamine with some Last Epoch, naturally. The thought of loot fills you with that vital life energy, that charming charisma that your friends jokingly describe as a natural twenty.
But, oh no, after literally a minute, someone writes: “How does this game compare to PoE?”
Your mind flash back to 'Nam. Crawling the undergrowth of the jungle, your fellow man dying in agony not far away. A boot hits the back of your neck, crushing your face into the mud as your lungs fill and consciousness slips away. Seeing the chat, you wish you could go back again - anywhere but here, really.
But no more. This thread is meant to finally put that whole speil to a definitive end.
Defining Last Epoch
Here's some known facts about last epoch.-
It’s a game. You can play it with any appendage, if you’re so inclined. Very accommodating.
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Loot drops from enemies. Mainly Bee related stuff.
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It has graphics.
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The combat is very smooth.
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No. It does not have multiplayer yet.
At this point it becomes apparent that any comparison to other games is, ultimately, irrelevant. Epoch has all the graphics, all the loot, and all the smoothness. But for posterity, we’ll attempt this monolithic task.
Path of Exile
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More of a job than a game. You log in, grit your teeth, and grind. Of the ninehundredthousand hours I’ve played, I find it hard to quantify the amount of enjoyment I’ve had. Maybe, like, an hour.
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Loot might drop from enemies. Killing happens so fast in PoE that items enter a quantum state of existence - appearing on the ground before the enemy is slain. Clearly another win for LE.
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Since LE has all the graphics, it is simply impossible for PoE to have any. Fooled again, Poe!
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Regrettably, combat is very, very smooth in PoE. I wish, I could rub my face against the screen and physically feel the smoothness of its combat. If this was possible, It’d be the end for me.
Writing this list made me feel dirty. Like I was writing my ex behind my partners back or petting an eel. It made me feel emotions - which are very unfactual - an experience I did not much care for. Since it made me feel stuff, it’s very clear that PoE is an emotional game and, therefore, inferior to LE.
Grim Dawn
Grim dawn has long been considered the king of slow paced, tactical, exploration based ARPG's. In short, its for try hards scared of speed and Sonic.-
I don’t understand it. Like the Mona Lisa or any of Van Goghs works, Grim Dawn has layers of depths, intertwining and supporting each other in ways only a mastercrafted piece of art can. In other words, GDD is art, not a game.
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Does a bushel of blue berries “drop” from their thorny vines? Or are they carefully curated and grown through a beautiful natural process. Ripening, juicy, sword-like, and inarguably, not loot. It’s a responsibility.
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Grim Dawn has brushstrokes, texturing, and composite digital art. Sure, you might call that graphics, but I’d call you uneducated and a doo-doo face, ya dingus.
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Due to it’s slow nature, GDD’s ridges and texture has worn down as the waves of time has crashed over its subtle, perfect form. GDD is entirely smooth in every way. Like a beautiful pearl.
In summary, Grim Dawn is for nerds. Also, if anyone can tell me why its GDD and not just GD, please pm me.
Torchlight 3
no.
Marvel Heroes
Another games that needs no list. LE used its time travelling powers to murder Marvel Heroes before it could ever gain popularity. Anyway, here’s a list.
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Is it a game? Not anymore, ha! Suck it!
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If you consider tear-stained prints in magnificent frames - picturing the Marvel Heroes team posing proudly, moments before the game shut down - as loot, then yes. Also, I need that picture back… please.
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Not- Not anymore, champ. Its in a better place now, with Stan Lee.
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God no. So janky.
Baldurs Gate: Dark Alliance
It saddens me to compare LE to such a wonderful game. There is simply no comparing.-
It’s a co-op game, so depending on how much your brother played without you, there’ll be plenty of game or none of the game as they single-handedly wipes the floor with their level hecking 40 Drizzt. Being the sole causation of your increasingly vile hatred for all things Drizzt in the world.
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Does loot drop? I don’t remember. I was, like, 10 when it came out.
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Oh man, the graphics were the best. Like, wow, man. You can tell that the Ps2 is a superior platform. I bet, if I went back an played it again, I’d be able to tell exactly what everything is. I bet Drizzt looks amazing
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Amazing.
A picture of Borderlands 3
I have to be honest here: Borderlands scares me. Its played in "fiorst pearsons" mode which - to me - is like some sort of arcane dimension of warped perceptions. I don't get it, is what I'm trying to convey to you. Like, what is this? Am I the gun? Borderlands asks you to choose a character. I can see them in the menus. But... Like, when playing, all I see is a gun. I don't get it.-
Maybe. I don’t know. Haven’t played it.
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As for loots, supposedly new characters drop as loot? Or guns? Yheez, I don’t know, man. This is so confusing.
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I’ve included a picture of it here:
Looks nice enough. Bold to block some of the title with the main display of graphics, but well done! Kudos! -
As for combat, let me just say, wow, weeh! I sure did do a struggle-licious, vividly vicious display of physical prowess against that menagerie of plastic wrapping. 10/10. A single ridge along the edge kinda ruins what would otherwise be a perfect smooth cover, so, 2/10 instead.
This Chilli I made earlier today
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My chilli is not a game. I take it very seriously and use only the finest canned ingredients. That’s why I left it on the counter to cool down and then forgot about it for six hours.
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The only loot that drops, is the spicy taste of barbecue and chilli on your dope as taste buds. For real, this chilli is made entirely of what I feel like in the moment. Peanut butter? Sure. White wine vinegar? Never again.
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This Chilli that I left on the counter for six hours has amazing graphics. Some yellow from the maize. Some, uh, brown from the, uh, beans. Also, some chickpeas that are… also brown.
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Is my chilli smooth? Ha ha, yes! I am a massive baby, so this chilli that I left on the counter for six hours is smooth as heck, bro-friendo.
You can tell I love this chilli that I left on the counter for six hours, so much that I completely neglected to clean my kitchen at all for the last five years. By the way, I hope you don’t mind I call you bro-friendo- no, wait! Bro-fiendo! You charlatan. I feel like we’ve really gotten to know each other over this list.
Anyway!
My uncle's very smooth head
Undeniably smooth, but will it take the Throne of Darkness as it dives the Depths of Peril, slays Victor Vran, goes beyond the Hinterland, through Deathtrap, braving the Krater R.A.W. tenaciously fanning the Ember of our passion? Well, we’ll Viking Wolves of Midgaard about that!
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Brofiend, let me tell you, the way my uncle takes care of his dome is no game. No, for real, there’s no joke here. Balding is a for realsies traumatizing experience. The only joke here is people basing their punchlines on such a painful, life altering experience. Go to hell, dad.
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If you’re a real sweet talker, my uncle might let you touch his skull nogging. And, let me get real, brofiend, it’s a treat. The bonding you’ll be doing is the real loot here. He’ll open his chest of heart and let you sip from the cup of family.
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No graphics, except when he textures it with some dome wax. I don’t particularly like the way it looks, but unlike my dad who finds joy in nothing at all, it makes my uncle happy. To each their own, I say.
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My uncle’s very smooth head has both fast paced and smooth combat. A wide selection of skills that combines effortlessly with movement abilities ensures that the player is always engaged with the current, almost puzzle like combat featuring very punishing enemy attacks. Weaving both RPG mechanics and player skill together is a feat few ARPG’s are capable of. I truly believe that everyone will be talking about my uncle’s very smooth head in the coming years as the hack 'n slash to play.
What a display! It’s Beyond Divinity 2, simply Sacred, surely an Incredible Adventure of Van Helsing. A real Shadows Heratic Kingdom.
People who compare Last Epoch to other ARPG's
Wow. This is it, brofiend. The end of the list. The real loot is the friendship we made a long the way, I just want you to… I just want you remember that… okay? Can you do that for me?
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No. No. You stay, brofiend. I go.
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We had our time together.
- Now give me your wallet. No, for real. Hand it here. I’m going to use your identity to steal your steam account and make sure you never hecking write another sentence comparing LE to PoE again. I can’t- I can’t take it any more. Yes, I deceived you. Played with your heart in a way no woman has done before. Hell, I’ve shown you my chilli that I left on the counter for seven hours. Shared my uncles dome, but… You have to understand. Please tell me you understand I have to do this, right? If I see one more chat lose its mind, I’ll go berserk. I’ll do something insane. Like, I don’t know, spend two hours Photoshopping and making a dumb post o-- Oh my god. No. NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO–
Diablo I
Never much cared for it.
